Knittin' Kitten
My favourite poem is Mad Girl's Love Song by Sylvia Plath.
"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"
Posts by Knittin' Kitten
If I get nervous, or embarrassed, or if someone touches my nose, I have to rub my nose with the side of my hand like some kind of rodent. And I bite people I like (only a little nibble)
I'm on 20mg of Citalopram, it makes me very tired and stops me sleeping but Fluxoetine did that too and at least Citalopram seems to work - I've been a lot less panicky in the last few days, and I've been taking it for two weeks now.
I told my two brothers yesterday about my up-coming surgery. My little brother was really nice, he didn't say much but asked how I was feeling about it and thanked me for telling him.
However, when I told my older brother he was really nasty about it. He kept saying it was cosmetic surgery, and why would I get it done if I didn't absolutely have to, and that if it was actually important it would have been done on the NHS (which all the doctors and surgeons I've seen said it should have been, it's just the funding people denied it.) And when I expressed worry about telling my sister, as she's REALLY judgemental, he said that I should be worried because it's stupid. I didn't expect him to understand as such, and I knew he'd make jokes, but I didn't expect him to be quite so horrible. I told him when he was driving me into work and luckily he got more there 20 minutes early, and I ended up just sat out back crying for ages. My big brother is one of my best friends and it was bad enough when he was horrible to me about taking antidepressants, but this really, really hurts. I feel completely betrayed.
And now I have the fun of telling my sister when she gets back from London =(
Just so you know, Cat Morley is Crafterella =) in case you ever need to get in touch with her quickly
Oh no my friend is awesome, she doesn't mind me looking a bit punky as long as I'm presentable (eg, wearing a dress and not dungarees) and not wearing pink. Pink is strictly banned =P but yeah, I can just wear it down so you can't see that it's cut underneath.
Can't sleep =(
Oh fair enough then, that's really an issue of just lying bastards haha. Which sucks.
Autonomous, you properly have that idea in my head now =P I probably wouldn't have as much shaved as yours - I'd definitely still want my long bits at the front, framing my face, and I'd probably just get along from the top of the ear and down shaved. But yours looks fairly long on the sides, which is what I want - I don't want it shaved, just maybe about an inch or two long. So basically what I wanted in that original picture, but less being trimmed. Does this sound pleasing to everyone?
I'm going in for surgery and would really like to get a new hair cut and colour before then so I can feel a bit better about myself when I'm feeling rotten. I'm thinking bright red for the long bit and leave the bottom bit my natural colour, which is a light brown. I also have a friend's wedding in October that I think it would be nice for =) now just to see what the boyfriend and parents think...
If you can't sew or cut it, then some nice badges or brooches would be cool. There are also cool tutorials on here for stencilled patches - that way you can put anything you like on a huge piece of fabric and pin it onto the back of the blazer. And if teachers have a go, just take it off (until they leave the room, of course.) Or maybe some cute bits of jewellery and chain, like those awesome kilt pins with decorations hanging off.
Any simple craft, like embroidering or knitting. If I'm depressed and try to make a dress from scratch, it'll probably go wrong and then I'll get even worse. Or making presents - I prefer doing that to making something for myself.
Oh yeah, not looking down on anyone with stretched lobes =P I just don't like them and wouldn't do it to myself.
I've got one that I'm going to put in my ear, one of those curly tribal looking ones that it's impossible to get in normal sizes, and even really hard to get fake ones. I'm allergic to lots of stuff so can only wear titanium earrings and it's surprisingly hard to find anything decent, and affordable, that I can wear. I can see why it annoys you, but I like the look of the big tribal swirled earrings and think stretched earlobes are hideous.
This Monday I have to stop smoking, stop taking the pill and begin taking antidepressants again (the first two for surgery, the third because I've been putting it off) and I'm absolutely dreading it.
I've been feeling so down lately that I don't think a day goes by when I don't think about killing myself. I don't think I will, but what scares me is that whenenver I thought about it before, I'd completely panic that I was thinking that - now I just kind of accept it as part of myself. I've been thinking almost constantly about self-harming. There's just so much noise in my head and I don't feel like it's ever going to stop. The only thing keeping me from it really is my laziness, and opportunity. I don't see Andy for another 6 weeks, he wouldn't know.
I have no special talents. I'm moderately smart but I have to work desperately hard for every A I get. I'm not talented. I just feel like there's nothing special about me whatsoever and I don't know what to do about that because it's never going to get better, I'll always be this mediocre blob. I'm even starting to lose my good humour about myself.
And on a slightly more trivial note, I'm super pissed off with my friend Ben. When his girlfriend was cheating on him he came to me for help and I didn't let him down, I stayed up nights talking to him, and when she eventually broke up with him I was the one who stopped him killing himself. All his friends abandoned him because she was the one with drugs, and I had to encourage him to get counselling, give him places to stay if he needed to escape for the weekend. And I didn't mind it one bit. Except at Sonisphere, he totally abandoned me and spent the whole weekend with his bitch of an ex, and his arsehole racist friends. And then when we were leaving, and me and Andy were meant to be staying at his house, he announced that Kelly was coming back too, and they were inviting some of her druggy mates over. So me and Andy would have ended up sleeping on the floor of the living room with a bird that makes noises all night and ten cats while he shacked up with this total bitch who just owns him and a bunch of junkies. (At this point I'd like to say thank you again in public to the lovely Cat and Tom for letting us stay in their beautiful studio.)
I just feel so used, like we were really close friends when I was the only thing keeping him alive (he told me that on several occasions) but the minute she shows up again he goes back to being her lap dog and forgets about me. He's just not him around her, he's much less chatty, no wonder she ruined him so much. And I haven't heard from him since, even though right now I could really do with a friend who's been through the same problems as me. I don't do things to get things in return but goddamit, that's just the way friendship works sometimes! I stopped him killing himself and hurting himself and was his night and day counseller, and all I want is a bit of help, because I'm terrified right now. And I'm so so angry and he doesn't even seem to notice.
Bleh my brother used to do this too - a big teenage boy going through adolescence who refuses to wash or use deodorant is not pleasant. Luckily we finally got through to him though. The perfume idea sounds great though!