Knittin' Kitten
So I've bene in a pretty bad way over the last couple of months - issues with living with my boyfriend, trying to find an antidepressant that works etc etc. I'm falling really far behind with my uni work but I've actually had some semblance of happiness lately because I've made a group of friends, and I'm always much happier flitting in and out of different groups. Except now, my solid group of friends in York are all pissed off with me, for seemingly no reason.
I had a big fight with my best friend at a house party, where she said that I made up my depression to win arguments and that it's really hard being friends with someone who's depressed (boo fucking hoo) and then when I shouted at her to leave the room she threw me against the wall and hit me. We made up later but things are still bound to be awkward after that. But when I was talking to another friend about it the other day, she said that she sympathises with Lauren cause she probably just misses the old Jenny, and asked if it was true that I was making it up. Of course that really bothered me but I talked to the counseller yesterday and she said I shouldn't worry because it's essentially a good thing that they love me and are worried about me, and I decided to make an effort not to bring up my problems all the time so they wouldn't get sick of me.
But now my other friend has just started having a go at me, saying I'm different and that they all "know" something's up. So it turns out that they've been talking behind my back about me and are planning some kind of intervention to sort out what's wrong with me, when as far as I was concerned, nothing was wrong. And she was angry with me because I sat on her boyfriend's lap, which is something I do with everyone, and of course when I point out that Lauren does that it's okay, cause it's just Lauren but when I do it I'm clearly trying to have sex with Henry. And everyone thinks this and thinks I'm an awful human being for it.
I can't go on like this. I'm so close to self-harming again and keep having recurrent thoughts about killing myself. I need my friends to say "It's okay, we love you, we'll help you through this", not hate me because of it.
Posts by Knittin' Kitten
I went vegetarian for a few different reasons, and I'm very happy with how I am. I don't feel right eating animals - if someone else wants to then that's up to them, but I don't like the idea of it. And it's for the health side. I dunno, I'm just in it now and don't see any point in changing.
The only advice I can say is try not to drive yourself crazy over it...if you fancy eating some meat then give it a go and see. From my experience, lapsed vegetarians go crazy for meat when they allow themselves to eat it. Last time I tried to eat meat, I threw up and it was black. Put me off it. Like PinkWeeds said, just be careful getting back into it if you decide to.
But I mean, you could always be a vegetarian most of the time but then let yourself have the occasional bit of meat or fish? I used to think in black and white terms about it but now I think that you can still have those morals and occasionally just admit that you're human.
God I wish it had worked that way in my school! The teachers were terrified of the bullies and never did anything about it. I was bullied my whole way through secondary school but they never did a thing about it. But then I'm kinda glad that I learnt how to deal with it myself - you're not always gonna have someone to look after you, and I'd rather toughen up young than discover later on that I have no defense mechanisms.
My tactics for dealing with that would be to say "Yep, I'm a dirty filthy immigrant here to steal your jobs and your women". If you just agree with him to a stupid extent he'll realise how ridiculous it is.
I'd like it if Holly's way worked but in my experience, saying stuff like that makes it worse. Yeah, he's really insecure, so if you tell him he's insecure and everyone knows it he's likely to do worse. Well, that's in my experience anyway.
But you've got to do what's right for you, or what you're comfortable with. If you don't want to confront him then yeah, just ignore him - pretend you can't hear him. It's hard at first but it's gets easier to block people out.
Haha maybe see you again this year then! It's only £2 to get in. I'm low on funds but fancy seeing my friend in London anyway =)
God damn =( The other couple I live with have just broken up. Obviously it's really bad for them, and I feel awful but I'm a practical person and think about practical things. And I'm just thinking about how this is going to affect all of us in terms of money.
Luckily because my boyfriend lives here off the contract, he can be put on the contract. But rent is going to go up for all of us, bills are gonna go up (we were diving everything by five, now it's by four). Jake owed me a bit of money which I won't get now, and also he's obviously not gonna give me bill money for this month now even though he's been here for 3 weeks of it. He also owes Andy money which I'm guessing he won't get. So that's just a big ball of stress. I'm probably gonna have to fork out for him.
It's next Sunday, the 28th - is anyone going? Would be lovely to meet some people there again!
Yay Random Rants is back!
I'm a huge exploding ball of stress right now. Uni is really swamping me and that's okay, I like that, I like being kept busy. But I'm trying to do my work and I'm having to be a mum to Andy at the same time. I don't mind doing a bit more housework because he works, but he barely worked over the weekend when I wasn't there and didn't do ANYTHING in the house. It's his graduation tomorrow so I've got to be there for him - and now I'm having a panic because I just put his shirt in the wash to freshen it up, and it got taken out too soon by one of my housemates and it's soaking wet and probably won't be ready for tomorrow so he's gonna have a go at me about that. And my dress was in there too so I don't know what I'm going to wear now. And things at home were crap, and Christmas always stresses me out, and I feel sick all the time at the moment and now because I've been crying I have a HUGE headache so dunno how I'm gonna get this damn literature review done AND tidy our room.
Is this working?
But I mean, I could do it any point in my life. I'll never not be a person who's had a boob job. So if we did break up in a year, I could do it then. And I can understand that while I'm at uni isn't the best idea.
I'm Pagan too but no one I know is so I don't really get to share it with anyone. It's a real shame, I miss my spiritual side but no one really gets it.
I'd love to go to the Goth weekend one year, especially as it's so close to me now.
It was released online about a week before Halloween.
I LOVED it. The zombies are some of the best I've ever seen. Tha creepy one with no legs was amazing.
Well I talked to them and they said they could change my name but it would still have to have my face in it. Andy (my boyfriend) really isn't comfortable with it so I'm not doing it for him, and I kind of understand.
I'm 19 and live away from home, and me and my mum talk about this stuff - heck, my parents paid for the operation. But I don't think she'd be happy about it.
I've decided to leave it for now. It's a shame though, could have done with a £1000 and I'd love to get some more awareness about the problem out there, cause I really struggled and I know a lot of other people have. People have found my blog on here and emailed me about it and stuff.
Maybe one day. They're not even healed up properly yet so I couldn't provide a good "after" picture.
We got in loads of sweets cause we know there are kids around, but none came knocking =(
Me and a bunch of friends went out to a gig and dressed up, which was pretty fun, but it wasn't as good as it usually is. Last year I had three Halloween celebrations!
I just love Halloween, it's so fun. I love carving pumpkins and dressing up and that. I hope when I have kids they can go trick-or-treating
So out of interest, I emailed this company with my breast augmentation story, and they'd be interested in writing and selling it to a magazine.
God knows I need the money, and I would love to get more information about the condition I had out there. But I distrust journalists (being one) and even though I suppose I could change my name for it and wouldn't necessarily have to provide pictures, what if someone knew it was me? I'm not generally bothered about people knowing but it's quite an in-depth thing to talk about.
The company offers the opportunity to talk to them, find out how much you'd get for it and then decide whether you want to go ahead or not. Maybe I should do that? I'm not sure whether to talk to my mum about it - I don't think she'd be happy, and chances are she isn't gonna read the type of magazine it would end up in.
Help?