Knittin' Kitten
I used to suffer from panic attacks when I was a bit younger, about three/four years ago. They started off with just feeling a bit panicky and my heart beating too fast and then I started having huge fits where I just collapsed and screamed so much I couldn't breathe, but carried on screaming because I thought I was going to die (these were usually triggered by beating beaten up or having things thrown at me. School, eh?)
But I've started having the smaller ones again. It's less physical this time and I'm just getting them when I worry about things, specifically things out of my control. I was pretty stressed out and depressed before the end of the year but now I've finished all my uni work it seems to have gotten worse. I'm miserable all the time, lost my sex drive, finding it very hard to even leave the house or hang out with my friends...and now it's kinda turned into a panic/anxiety thing. Pretty much every day I'm fighting off attacks now and it's really worrying me, and I don't really have anyone to look after me.
I just wanted to know if anyone has any suggestions. I know some breathing exercises but they kind of only hold them off for a bit, and I find that if I make one go away with a breathing exercise I get one quicker later. I know it's a psychological thing and I'm trying to not avoid triggers and stuff, cause I know that only makes things worse, but I don't know what to do. I have an appointment with a counsellor on Friday and a doctor on Monday to see if there's anything that can be done, but if anyone can help before then, that would be great.
Posts by Knittin' Kitten
Blargh my friend is still annoying me so much! She's copied my exact style for the summer ball so we're gonna look alike, but she's bought expensive clothes whereas I've had to customise all mine so they're not as fancy. And the other night I was trying to explain to her about how depressed I've been and she just wasn't listening and kept talking about herself! It was like,
Me: The only reason I'm not self-harming right now is because I think Andy will leave me if he sees the marks.
Lauren: Yeah well at least you have a boyfriend!
Me: *smack forehead*
And now she's decided that she likes this guy our friend Roxie introduced to us, who spent ages trying to sleep with me but is a drug addict twat who just wants to get laid because he's a 19 year old virgin. And she keeps asking me advice and it's hard cause I don't even like the guy any more, after I asked him not to sleep with Lauren on my birthday and he told me to fuck off, and then came to my party even though I asked him not to (he didn't sleep with her but he tried, which means he broke his promise to me anyway.)
So sick of all of this. Andy's being really inconsiderate right now, right when I really need him, and my friends are all leaving soon =(
Heh thanks *hugs back*
And now my housemate is playing music really loudly so I couldn't go to sleep even if I wanted to.
I feel so horrible at the moment. I'm just down all the time, I don't want to do anything, I just feel like crying all the time. I don't feel right at all and I don't know how to make myself feel better. I've got a friend who's going through the same thing and he's just started on medication because he almost killed himself, and he's been telling me that he's still thinking about it and he doesn't think he'll live to 30 (he's 23 now.) I keep crying because I want him to be better, and I'm also scared that I'll end up like that if things don't get any better, but I don't have anyone to talk to. My boyfriend wanted to sleep on his own tonight but I texted him telling him that I can't stop crying because my friend wants to kill himself, and please could I come over and just sleep on the couch or something cause I don't want to be alone, but he didn't reply. Sometimes I think he's wrong for me because he's never really had any problems so he doesn't get mine, but I can't be with someone as unstable as I am because we just tear each other apart. And he doesn't mean to but he makes me feel like I'm not good enough for him because I'm irrational and neurotic. And my friend is probably off sleeping with my other friend tonight, when I asked the latter not to sleep with the former but he told me to fuck off, and then I asked him not to come to my birthday party on Monday and he told me to fuck off and that he's coming anyway, which is gonna make things lovely and awkward. And right now I want anything but to be alone and that's all I can be.
I really wanted to see that film, I heard it was great! It's true that it's going to be harder for her to get other roles now but I don't think he should bitch about her getting the part just because she's large - how often do larger actresses actually get that opportunity? It's got to be so much harder to get by in Hollywood if you're big, so I say fair play to her!
Bleh I'm sorry Violetta, that's so shitty =(
Heather, it is horrible when people don't treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
I actually have vaguely good news for once - I talked to my mum about the surgery thing today and she's agreed to help me to try and sort something out, so hopefully I'll get something done privately in Bristol over the summer!
I got turned down funding for my breast augmentation. I feel like shit, I just want to cry. I was really counting on this and I was told it wouldn't be a problem. Not sure what to do now - I'm going to try in Bristol but wondering whether to ask my parents if they would pay for it. It's just whether they want to fork out £4000, especially when my dad's going in for surgery soon and then retiring, and they probably won't get why it's such a big deal. God, I can't wait like another few years, and there's no way I'll be able to afford it for at least four years...
This is my first year voting and I'm pretty sure I'm going Lib Dem. I wouldn't mind Labour or Lib Dems, just not Conservatives! But it looks like Lib Dems have a chance so I'm backing them.
That sucks Violetta, hopefully you'll get everything in time!
Oh well obviously it's to do with looks as well =P my main grievance is that she's prettier than me so it was the only thing I had. It's obviously other stuff haha. You'll probably see it more when you go to clubs, if you don't now, because then it's more like people trying to find other people. And in my experience, dying your hair is like wearing a big neon sign saying "Talk to me!" (which I hate sometimes, but mostly I like meeting new people.)
What colour you thinking? I've had so many colours now.
Okay, well that's obviously a simplification of what I'm saying, but yes. It's something that makes you different from everyone else. Me and Lauren went out one time and we went to a goth club and then on to just a normal club. She was wearing this nice Primark colourful dress and just has plain black hair. I went wearing a Rammstein dress and had blue hair and a nose piercing. In the goth club, she got hit on - in the normal club, it was all me. It's nothing to do with the persona, it's just a case of standing out. And yeah, I dunno, maybe seeming interesting or a bit quirky excites people. Although being hit on in clubs is hideous anyway.
Mhmm, but if someone steals it it stops being who you are. I was trying to explain it to Andy (he did NOT get it) that she's just like me, but the better version of me because she can afford it. I don't mind sharing stuff with her - at first I was really excited that I'd inspired her to get a tattoo, but now it's like every time I talk about my next tattoo she goes on about how hers is gonna be bigger and she's getting it first. And I'm recognising self-destructive trends in her that I have in myself and I wish for HER sake that she wasn't adopting those.
She wants meet to teach her crafts soon but I really don't want to. She's been listening to all the same music as me and looking up Wiki entries of everything so she can know more than me about the bands, just because I only care about the music. And now she's coming to the same festivals as me, and those are the one time of the year where I don't have to worry about anything, I just sit back in the sun with a beer and a cigarette and I forget about the fact that I have responsibilities. But she gets so wasted all the time so I'm gonna spend the whole weekend looking after her and stopping her from sleeping with random guys and worrying about her, like I ALWAYS do. And you know she'll buy all the merchandise and take a million pictures and just not shut up about HER time at the festivals.
It's just really getting me down. I don't know who I am any more. I have enough self-esteem issues without her doing this to me. And I already have to constantly look after her and worry about her. I swear it's like I'm her mother. I don't mind saving her ass when she's too drunk to function, or helping her when she's done something ridiculous that I told her not to do, because that's just her - but if she does it pretending to be me, then she's crossed a line, you know? What makes it worse is that she has more confidence than me so she pulls off the stuff that I want desperately to do but I'm too afraid to. She just constantly flaunts my inadequacies in my face, and takes away the things I actually like.
Oh my god Violetta, thank you, I'm so glad I'm not just being stupid. That's how I feel - if she's going to steal stuff from me then what's the point in me even trying. She's getting the piercings I want but knows I can't afford to get. I told her I wanted a mohawk so she went out with a fauxhawk last night. When I found out I couldn't get a mohawk I was considering getting a straight fringe with long bits at the sides and short-ish at the back. Oh what a surprise, yesterday she announces she wants to get that. I've had to dye my hair blonde in order to get a job, and she's going to dye her hair the exact same colour pink that I had before!
It's just so depressing, isn't it? Everyone says it should be a compliment but it's just not, I like inspiring people but I don't like them copying me! And it's the fact that people think they do it, so like when she puts the dots in the corner of her eyes, everyone goes "Wow, that's so cool, I've never seen that before!" but I've been doing it for years. But there's just nothing you can do about it! She was saying the other day about how she wants to start wearing cute flowery dresses with Doc Martens because it would be so funny because it wouldn't go, and it would be so weird to go to a metal gig in a flowery dress, and I just wanted to scream at her that I've always done that, that was always MY thing! All I did was jokingly say she was copying me and she was like "Oh no I'm not, I just really like it, I didn't even notice you did that!"
That's really nasty Courtney =S I'd guess it means you're just worried about having kids or about being a bad mother or something, but I'm very far from being a psychiatrist =P
I keep feeling really shit at the moment, my friend has basically stolen my identity, she dresses exactly the same as I do (but slightly better because she has the money to buy the stuff that I like but can't afford), acts like I did when I was younger, and now she's starting to steal my things like festivals and crafting. I feel like she's become the new me, and if she's me, then who the fuck am I? She always got more attention than me because she was the prettier one, the only thing I had was that I was a bit quirky but it was just me, I wasn't trying. Now I feel like I have to compete with her all the time because if I go out with her and the other girls it's just going on and on about how amazing she is for doing stuff I've been doing for years! And I know it sounds so petty, and Andy says I should just take it as a compliment or something, but it' s not. I have self-esteem issues enough as it is, and I've always thought I was boring, that's why I went and got piercings and dyed my hair stupid colours but at least I did it for me. Now I just want to do it to get one up on her because when I'm around her, I get completely ignored.