RANDOM RANTS!

I have no idea whats going on with my mom.She is just crying and jelling all day.I dont know if she has a bad day,Im home with her all day and there was nothing that happened that could make her feel like she does right now.Shes gone through menopause a few years ago,it was hell for all of us but we made it trough.But now its like shes having series of bad days and Im just tired of trying to make her feel better.Every time I try to talk with her or give her a hug or ask whats wrong she just jells at me and gets even worse.And its not just me,its anyone who is in her way.
I just want her to be happy and stop feeling so bad and she wont let me help her.I know its hard and she had a hard life because of my dad and he is making every day even worse for her.

I just want my mom to stop crying,its the worst feeling in the world to hear my mother cry her heart out.Im crying in the other room.

I don't really know how to put this into words so it doesn't sound weird, but here goes. I'm very close friends with this guy, we've known each other for almost five years now. For years we were really into each other but distance meant it could never happen and to be honest, he scared the hell out of me because he was way too good looking for me. We didn't talk for a year or so, then we started catching up again when he was going through a really bad period, just starting on antidepressants, girlfriend broken up with him, really suicidal. Maybe that should have been a warning sign. We got really close and it turned out we both still had feelings for each other, but did nothing because I have a boyfriend. But still nice - he'd come visit and we'd cuddle and he'd treat me like his girlfriend without all the bad stuff which is the kind of friendship I love with men. We were really good for each other, cheering each other up in hard times. But then when I went to visit him at his house this weekend, he'd just switched off. It's hard to explain how badly it hurts when someone who's wanted you for five years suddenly doesn't any more - and on top of that, seems to barely want to be your friend! When we bumped into his friends he kind of hid me, like he was ashamed, and normally when we walk around he asks me to link arms with him and he didn't once this time. The first night we stayed in the same bed he just moved as far away from me as possible, but then on the second night he was cuddling up to me and stuff, which I loved, but the next day it was back to nothing again. I've been so panicky lately about getting old and everything interesting about me fading away, and now this guy who I always thought was a sure thing, who I always had this little thing in the back of my head going "We probably wouldn't work together, and that's the only reason we never tried", has lost interest totally. I dom't know what to do with that.

FML.

I have a huge headache

the weather here is killing me... since i don´t know, two weeks there are over 30 degrees celcius, yesterday 38 degrees, i´m meteorosensitive and have huge headaches (michelle i´m with you!) vertigo and don´t feel like doing anything... and i start sweating even when i´m just sitting on a chair!!! it´s nasty and no end in sight...

I'm over acting excited when my friends get nice things!
nice things don't happen to me very often, and when they do my friends never say congrats they go out and get the same thing but better to rub it in my face! I don't understand! :S ok i feel better after my rant thanks!

I just need someone who has been in the same position as me who I can talk to. There's nobody. I need to talk to someone and soon. I might just go insane.

my business is failing, I can't find a second job, I can't afford school. life sucks

This Monday I have to stop smoking, stop taking the pill and begin taking antidepressants again (the first two for surgery, the third because I've been putting it off) and I'm absolutely dreading it.

I've been feeling so down lately that I don't think a day goes by when I don't think about killing myself. I don't think I will, but what scares me is that whenenver I thought about it before, I'd completely panic that I was thinking that - now I just kind of accept it as part of myself. I've been thinking almost constantly about self-harming. There's just so much noise in my head and I don't feel like it's ever going to stop. The only thing keeping me from it really is my laziness, and opportunity. I don't see Andy for another 6 weeks, he wouldn't know.

I have no special talents. I'm moderately smart but I have to work desperately hard for every A I get. I'm not talented. I just feel like there's nothing special about me whatsoever and I don't know what to do about that because it's never going to get better, I'll always be this mediocre blob. I'm even starting to lose my good humour about myself.

And on a slightly more trivial note, I'm super pissed off with my friend Ben. When his girlfriend was cheating on him he came to me for help and I didn't let him down, I stayed up nights talking to him, and when she eventually broke up with him I was the one who stopped him killing himself. All his friends abandoned him because she was the one with drugs, and I had to encourage him to get counselling, give him places to stay if he needed to escape for the weekend. And I didn't mind it one bit. Except at Sonisphere, he totally abandoned me and spent the whole weekend with his bitch of an ex, and his arsehole racist friends. And then when we were leaving, and me and Andy were meant to be staying at his house, he announced that Kelly was coming back too, and they were inviting some of her druggy mates over. So me and Andy would have ended up sleeping on the floor of the living room with a bird that makes noises all night and ten cats while he shacked up with this total bitch who just owns him and a bunch of junkies. (At this point I'd like to say thank you again in public to the lovely Cat and Tom for letting us stay in their beautiful studio.)

I just feel so used, like we were really close friends when I was the only thing keeping him alive (he told me that on several occasions) but the minute she shows up again he goes back to being her lap dog and forgets about me. He's just not him around her, he's much less chatty, no wonder she ruined him so much. And I haven't heard from him since, even though right now I could really do with a friend who's been through the same problems as me. I don't do things to get things in return but goddamit, that's just the way friendship works sometimes! I stopped him killing himself and hurting himself and was his night and day counseller, and all I want is a bit of help, because I'm terrified right now. And I'm so so angry and he doesn't even seem to notice.

Can't sleep =(

OMG.
I've been looking on Etsy for days now, trying to find the perfect necklaces/pendants to give to my bridesmaids to wear at the wedding. I keep noticing one thing, over and over again - and its making me NUTS!

PEOPLE. If you want to sell me something, TELL ME HOW BIG IT IS. Please.
Or give me a picture of the item next to a ruler, or a coin, or something. Not just a picture of a pendant on a plain backdrop. It could be 1", or 5"... and its annoying to have to convo a million different people to inquire specifics.

Ok, I feel better now. =P

I can't sleep AGAIN! Okay, I am seriously going nuts here. So I was exhausted at about 10 pm, yay everything is normal. I laid down at 11 pm. It is now 6:30 am and I haven't got one ounce of sleep. I feel pretty awake now but really...ugh.

I'm not a huge sleeper in general, I can get 5-6 hours and feel just find. It's always getting to sleep that frustrates me. I think the average time for a person to fall asleep is 7 minutes. HA not this person.

I tried getting up for a little bit and reading, didn't work. I ate a light snack, didn't work. I really don't want to resort to medication, I hate medication.

My random rant of sleepiness but not getting it.

May, I heard on dr. oz that if you just close your eyes you can get a lot of rest. So... I'd try just closing my eyes and not think about the fact that I'm not sleeping. Or if you can, get a really comfy mattress.

.........So I'm living in brandon Manitoba, and up until recently I hated it but now I really like it, it has hidden beauty and I'd be going off to highschool so no petty middle school probs. But now my dad has this idea of going off to edmonton, and I didn't mind it because I didn't like brandon, and now I'm in edmonton and the house is weird and it has a giant bathroom that doesn't even have a freakin door and the place is all development this and that and its ugly and I know people will find me weird so I dunno about friends, plus I got food poisoning when I got here. And I tried to talk my sister but she doesn't get it. And i won't be able to handle it if all people talk about here is movies and shopping and justin bieber....not to be biased or stereotypical about people in edmonton or anything. I guess.

and I was stupid for not appreciating anything!

I told my two brothers yesterday about my up-coming surgery. My little brother was really nice, he didn't say much but asked how I was feeling about it and thanked me for telling him.

However, when I told my older brother he was really nasty about it. He kept saying it was cosmetic surgery, and why would I get it done if I didn't absolutely have to, and that if it was actually important it would have been done on the NHS (which all the doctors and surgeons I've seen said it should have been, it's just the funding people denied it.) And when I expressed worry about telling my sister, as she's REALLY judgemental, he said that I should be worried because it's stupid. I didn't expect him to understand as such, and I knew he'd make jokes, but I didn't expect him to be quite so horrible. I told him when he was driving me into work and luckily he got more there 20 minutes early, and I ended up just sat out back crying for ages. My big brother is one of my best friends and it was bad enough when he was horrible to me about taking antidepressants, but this really, really hurts. I feel completely betrayed.

And now I have the fun of telling my sister when she gets back from London =(

Bleh I hate that this is always me, but I need somewhere to explain this.

I was at a house party last night with all my friends and there was this guy who I didn't know, and I don't know how he knows any of them, but he obviously does. We were chatting, then he said he was going out for a cigarette so I went with him to nab a bit. Out the front of the house there's a little gated bit which was locked, so we were stood in this tiny little area. He suddenly pushed me up against the gate and started groping me, and I didn't really know what was going on cause I was drunk, but I tried to get back in and he shut the door, and it would only open again from the inside. Then he just ripped my top off (I mean literally ripped, it's in pieces now) and was pushing me into the railings and that. I pushed him off and put on the other top that I had in my bag while banging on the door for someone to let me in, but no one came and the minute I had the new top on he ripped that as well, and threw me over on the bins. My friend opened the door then and he just walked in like nothing had happened, and she helped me in, crying and topless, and gave me some beer and a jumper to wear and that, and I just couldn't stop crying all night, and then I ended up having to sleep in the same room as him.

It's just horrible...I've been raped twice but I was mostly unconscious for both of those. This is the first time I've really experienced anything like this, and it's terrifying. He was just saying all this nasty stuff as well, like I deserved it and I was just a slut and he could do what he wanted with me. I'm so freaked out now, I can't stop thinking about it and it just makes me feel sick every time. Nothing like this has happened to me in a long time, and I was just getting better with the help of medication, but now I feel like I'm back to square one.