depression

Thank you. The virtual hug was very much appreciated x

Just to let you all know that I am all right. I had a bit of a set back and had some suicidal thoughts and checked myself into the hospital last week. I'm back in group therapy and all is well. I've been busy helping a friend who is an alcoholic get into a treatment facility, so that has taken up a lot of my time (plus I don't have reliable internet access right now). I appreciate all my friends here who have sent messages and well wishes, but I'm back on track now and ready to craft my ass off! Ugh, forgot I'm moving soon, so that will keep me busy as well. I hope you all are doing well.

I thought you'd been quiet so I'm sorry its because you'd not been good. I should imagine that the therapy has been pretty intense so maybe you got a little burnt out. I'm glad to hear that your back on track now though x

Hi Kiddo. Glad to see you back. Sounds like you have been having a tough time. One day at a time.......the only way to take it sometimes. Moving can be really stressful so plan your boxes. Label them all and have one with essentials in that stays with you. Put stuff like kettle, tea bags, cup, toiletries, small towel, hairbrush etc in it. You will surprised how easily bits and pieces can get lost in big boxes. Good luck

Oh gosh Kiddo, I'm so sorry to hear that you haven't been well, but at least you're getting back on track. Sheila is right moving can be stresseful so just take it in small steps (trust me I've ripped my hair out just trying to move my sister from house to house). But it is very nice to see you back on CO+K and I can't wait to see the outcome of your creativity!!!

I was going to start a new rant called my fat belly but in reality it's not enormous and its really a side issue from the depression. For over 2 years now my appetite has been all over the place. When this most recent episode started I had no appetite at all and lost about a stone and a half in about 6 weeks. I was down to a size 12 and still depressed but depressed with a waist! When I went back to work (after being signed off for those 6 weeks) I started eating a bit more and initially it was good. I still didn't have much appetite but I was at least eating reasonably healthy stuff but when I started to go down hill again after a month of 2 of working full time I started eating less again but eating sugary stuff to give me energy and tons of coffee, mainly lattes. My weight stayed about the same but since then I've cut down my hours permenantly and my mood has developed a bit of more of a pattern. I have normally one good month, one thats a bit meh and one thats crap. I also get PMT in amongst this. Somehow my diet has turned into a mix of some regular food and a whole load of sugary stuff and coffees. This last month has been particuarly bad as I've been really low and noticed the other day that I have got a really big belly. Its out of proportion with the rest of me and I'm now having to get clothes in size 16 to cover my tum. I got asked Friday if I was pregnant - that would be dream come true but unfortunately not likely! How do I get back to the pre-depression me who ate some crap and some good stuff and felt okay. I have no energy these days cos of the depression and my meds have been increased which make me feel drowsy half of the time and right now I have a stomach ache which is probably cos I've eaten a whole load of Haribo :/

Hi Arty Kitkat....it's a matter of balance. Make sure you have breakfast. Try having a standard coffee, not those with loads of cream and try fresh fruit like bananas or raisins. They can be carried round easily and are sweet enough to help with your sugar need.

Now you have cut your hours you wont need as much high energy food so any excess is going to be stored as fat. Biscuits are another one of those 'on the hip' things. I avoid them as I'm only just over 5ft and couldn't carry any extra weight.

I find it really difficult with depression not to reach for a chocolate bar. It's because it contains lecithin which is a neuro stimulant and gives a euphoric feeling for a while That's the problem it doesn't last long so we go back for more. You're fighting depression and a biological war. Meds do that with the sugar cravings. Give into them ooccasionally but not too late in the day.

Try avoiding high saturated foods like pastry & cakes. Now for the list of good stuff:- Rice, chicken, veggies, eggs, fruit, fish and my favourite skinny cow ice cream. I'm probably preaching to the converted..soz

Sounds like you could be retaining fluid as well. If this gets worse around your period have a word with your GP. You don't have to suffer.

Hope you settle into a happier pattern.

Thank you Sheila x Your a great agony aunt. Sometimes I write these things here to get them straight in my head. I also know we have so many of us going through the same thing that it makes me feel better to feel I'm not in it alone. A friend of mine gave me a beautiful piece of advise today re my eating habits - if you dope a horse before a race it doesn't matter how much hay you give him as he's been doped! I.e. the meds are sedating me and all the lattes and sugar in the world aren't going to change anything other than expand my tummy. I am trying to eat a few more things like nuts and seeds and things that are slow release but I think the process I go through when I eat has become really complicated. I think its partly about getting energy to overcome low energy and drowsiness and its partly a reward for getting up and keeping going and its also a cheap way to treat myself. I think I need to find other cheap ways to feel nice. I'm trying to keep a record of exercise and diet through diet.com. Its helping a little as it keeps me to remembering the facts not all the emotional baggage that goes along with the food. It also has a weight chart thing so you can see how far you are from your goal. I think I also need to stop looking for quick fixes and just go back to taking things a day at a time. It gets frustrating though and sometimes I feel like I want to press the fast forward button and get to the good bit again :/ I'm vaguely hopeful though and I really do appreciate the support and suggestions.

Hi Arty Kit Kat. Look at Susan Powter's way of keeping healthy. It's a brilliant way of reducing fat intake and balancing diet with exercise at the same time as having treats. It's a whole life change and a different way of looking at food. Her book 'Stop the Insanity' is a good read too. I've read it

Btw I bought a huge bar of chocky today. I only had three chunks as I was too busy at work and I had 2 large coffees to keep me going....you're not alone sweety

http://www.susanpowteronline.com/index.php/site/ebmt_eat/

http://archive.seattlepressonline.com/article-843.html

Try to find another way of treating yourself. You could put a few pence in a jar every time you would buy a chocky bar and reward yourself with something like new clothes. If you have a goal you are more likely to be sucessful.

how is everyone?

thank you again Sheila. I know your right and I will check the links out. I actually did something tonight that I'm also hoping will help. I had a really shitty evening and was crying loads and actually rang the out of hours telephone number for the Community Mental Health Team. I got a few things off my chest about my fear of being 'told off' and my 'being good at everything' attitude. When I was having CBT some stuff came up that I really didn't remember. I went to a Catholic school and when I was 8 and changed schools from first school to middle school my teacher in my first year really badly bullied me. I had it continually for a year and then in my second year I got this racist arsehole who used to pick on this black boy in our class about once a week. He was evil and the boy ended up leaving and he was sacked (apparently). As a result off all of this I developed problems with depression & anxiety. I used to have panic attacks and cut my arms with a compass. Nothing big but I always had this little scabs on my arms. I had to do several IQ tests, and got tested for asthma and given creams for the things on my arms that noboby could work out and I never told anyone about. I also used to have nightmares most nights. I never told my parents at the time but they guessed something was up as apparently my sister had a similar problem at the same school. My mum also had history with the teacher from church. Being 8 I had no idea. Tonight I explained all of this and said that I wanted to be rereferred to a psychologist in the team. I still feel like a little girl when I'm in a situation where I see the person as being in authority. That means all my recent appointments with my Psychiatrist have been hell. I don't hate him but I'm scared off him which I know rationally is silly but I'm scared he'll tell me off. I'm hoping that my phonecall tonight might help me to get some more therapy because I had no idea this was under the surface when I started the CBT.

Sounds like the child inside needs a (((((HUG)))) Your inner child needs help to heal. Something may have happened recently that reminded you of things that happened long ago when you didn't have the emotional knowledge or strength to deal with it. Now you are an adult with more emotional intelligence you have a chance to help your inner child come to terms with things that hurt you. Now you can say 'it's not right, it's not fair and I don't like the way you treated me'. Give your inner child a hug and use it as a chance to move on, accept that there are mean people out there and that it's ok to tell bullies you know what they are and they are not welcome in your life. Take this chance to become stronger emotionally. People in authority don't control how you feel, you do. Believe in yourself and be kind to yourself. It's not easy to go back because you will go through all the emotions again. This time though you have other experiences to help you cope. Happy healing thoughts & blessings

i personally had been battling depression for many years... facing many external things and health issues. yes, running and walking/ exercising definitely helped/help me... but i seemed to always end up negative and depressed shortly thereafter. I have been a Christian for many, many years... yet my faith in overcoming this battle was not strong enough. what has changed my life has been meditating/praying every morning about it; the way I have learned to pray has changed everything for me... I have learned to THANK GOD FIRST that He is taking away the depression, that He is taking away my program of depression and tendency for negativity and REPLACING it with His radiating love, compassion, etc. not that He WILL, but that He already IS! I have made myself a 'meditation book' in which I have written many things. One of the most freeing is: "I now release any doubt, fear, worry, gossip, complaint, jealousy,and scarcity. I release and let it all go. I say yes! to love, empowerment, passion, fulfillment, joy, prosperity, faith, and compassion. Thank You, God. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen." after reading these(and many more) things aloud each morning for oh i don't know like a week, I started to really feel them, and things really started to change! feelings can be influenced by our hormones, but in my case as with probably most, it begins on a spiritual level. I have wanted to talk to a counselor for a long time to help me, but then one day, I realized... God is my counselor! He understands better than anyone, and He is always there! and it is ultimately our choice what we choose to feel. I am choosing to feel positive, I have to make up my mind each morning to look for the positive in all things... and depression has been gone for at least a month now. there are moments when the negativity creeps in, but now i catch it, and say,"uh, uh, uh... ! I radiate love and joy! and things completely turn around for me. I profoundly hope this helps you as it helps me...XOXO if you need/ want more info or just wanna talk, message me.

Thank u Sheila. I know what you're saying but I think I'm going through a lot of the old experience as it is and I'd just like to get it all out once and for all so I can draw a line under it. I feel like its casting its shadow over my life now and I don't want that anymore. I wrote a letter today to my Psychiatrist and explained the situation and said that I'd like to be referred on for more psychological help.
Thank u too Creatively for posting on here. Welcome to CO&K and thank u for sharing your experiences. I don't share your faith but I can respect the fact that it helps you and it sounds like you have found a really positive way to ease the depression. I'm a Humanist so don't believe in God/s, but I believe in people and human kindness and that the nasty and unpleasant bullies out there are by far outweighed by the kind and caring people (this site proves this!) I like the thought behind your prayer too and I hope that you continue to stay depression free. Its a horrible illness.

Sorry Arty KitKat. I didn't really explain myself very well. What I was trying to say is what you have just said about getting it all out so that you can move on. I think you are really brave writing it down cos it's not easy to find the right words. I hope your psychiatrist can see where you want to be. You've taken a big step