Heartache rant...

I just really need to get this all out. I'm an emotional wreck and I just need to spill my guts. I'm sorry if this is all over the place, and I apologize for any poor grammar.

So, I met this guy, we'll just call him "Joe" online in...oh, about March. We just started out talking, progressed to Facebook friends, eventually exchanged numbers. Nothing serious. He was really flirty, I was apathetic. We live in the same town, but I never had any idea that we'd meet, until one day, he walked into the store where I work. From then, he would occasionally pop in to make a "small purchase", but I knew he was just coming in to see me. Quite honestly, I found it creepy at the time.

Well, we started talking a bit more, via text message. He was going through a really hard time. Basically, he had his heart broken by this girl who he described as "abusive". I was going through some stuff on my own...I had been crushing on "John" for three years with no progress, and he was toying with my heart. I really needed a friend, and so did Joe. So, we started hanging out.

Well, he made it clear that he had feelings for me, but I didn't return them then. He seemed cool with it. But...Over time, I discovered that he was unlike anybody I'd met. I started to feel happy when I was with him. I started to get excited over his texts and Facebook messages. I started flirting back a little. Then I realized just how much I really, truly like him, and I was in that state of bliss where you're head-over-heels and nothing can hurt you. It hit me like a sack of bricks, and I was excited. He had feelings for me, and I for him. So, I wrote him a long, heartfelt note telling him just how I feel, with the intentions of giving it to him the next time we hung out.

Well, he started getting shady. He simply put it as "his past was coming back to haunt him". I told him that I was here to listen if he needed it. He was appreciative, but remained aloof. So, I eventually had enough of it, and I asked him why he was being so short. Turns out, the flaky chick that he had feelings for, out of nowhere, decides that she wants a relationship with him. And HE ACCEPTED!! He said that this girl "used him, abused him, and left him to rot", and he took her back just like that! Before I got the chance to tell him how I truly felt, she comes in and snatches him away from me! It's just so unfair!

But then, after I blew up on him, he tells me that he needs to talk to me. So I decided that it would be best to really tell him how I feel. So we met up, and what he told me really pissed me off. Apparently, this chick is already showing signs of her old ways. He says that he doesn't have much hope for this relationship, but in case she IS serious this time, he's not breaking it off right away. So I give him my note, he reads it, and he's at a loss for words. Then he tells me that he wishes he'd have known sooner. However, he says that he can't just end it with her, because his feelings for her go way back and he's been waiting for this for a long time. And yet, he still has his suspicions that she is sneaking around, and he's just WAITING for it to blow up in his face. So, doing the "right" thing, I just told him that I'll try to be happy for him and that I'll be here for him when it does end badly.

Well, I've just been a complete wreck over all this. I cry all the time. I can't eat at all. I'm feeling tired and weak, my nerves are shot. I'm constantly shaking, and my stomach is constantly in knots. This has never happened before. I've had my share of heartbreak, but never like this. He's the first person that I've ever really gotten to know before I fell for him. The first person I fell in love with over time, instead of it being instant and at first glance. I fell for HIM, and not his looks. I feel like one minute, I was walking on air, and then 2 seconds later half of my heart was ripped away and my whole world is shattered. I want him to be happy, but at the same time, I'm just waiting for all this to blow up in his face so I can go "I TOLD YOU SO!!" But ALSO at the same time, I feel like I shouldn't be feeling this way at all, because he didn't know how I truly felt when he accepted her proposal. And while his relationship isn't looking so good and there's a huge chance that it just will not work, I am forbidding myself from getting my hopes up, just in case it actually does work out. I really do not want to wait for him to come around, but at the same time, my mind keeps going to this forbidden place where I'm with him and we're happy together. Try as I might, I can't keep these images out of my head. I know that grieving takes time, but I am so past ready for it to be over with so I can move on. I've been trying to take my mind off of it, staying busy with work and hobbies and such. I've been going out with friends, but I still just feel so alone and miserable.

Sorry for the tangeant about my personal problems, it's just something that's been weighing down very heavily on me and I just can't keep it bottled up anymore.