Emotional Rollercoaster

This week sucks. So about a month ago my boyfriend is asked to transfer to a different location- different state, more money. He like always was pretty on the fence (most of you know I've vented about his apron strings still being tied to his overbearing grandmother). A week ago he calls me at 1:30 in the morning to tell me he was quitting his job and going back to school and goodnight, leaving me there to process that news on my own. I kind of just cold shouldered because my boyfriend is a total schemer and until he does something I can't say for sure it's going to happen.

On Monday he got a call saying they were promoting him and that he'd need to be going by the end of the week. Then he talked to the district manager of the new location and found out his original deal of being able to go there for a month trial is off and that he's got no choice but has to go there.

So yesterday he spent the whole day making phone calls and plans without once consulting me about any of them. One minute it was "I'm quitting my job" an hour later it was " I'm going to do down there until I get a new job" and an hour after that it was "I just quit my job" I was pretty unprepared for all of this and since our 7 year anniversary is this month my head is all turned towards wanting to get engaged and this just throws that down the toilet. So I spent a good part of my day being angry and resentful towards my boyfriend.

Then out of that frustration I made the mistake of posting on theknot boards (a place I generally think negatively of since most of the women there are real witches with capital Bs.) and of course instead of being the supportive and wonderful women that I normally find here they were the horrible harpies of the netherworld coming out to pick apart the bones of some helpless creature. Pretty much tore me down to size- one of them even had the audacity to throw in my face a post I made over a year ago talking about the death of my boyfriend’s best friend. They all misread my post, seemed to think I was asking for advice when I wasn’t and jumped down my throat with what a horrible girlfriend I was as if they could tell buy a few frustrated posts the whole of my relationship with my boyfriend. And it kind of boiled back to the conversation I had earlier in the day with a friend of mine who is a teacher about how people lack the ability to understand proper English and that their general grasp on the language is so beguiling as to make them misunderstand everything. It’s something I’ve been noticing more frequently lately. I order one regular ice cream with two flavors on it on Sunday and the woman actually tries to give me two ice creams (this actually happened).

My mind is boggled right now. My boyfriend refuses to get engaged unless he can do it in some super expensive over-the-top way and I’ve made it clear to him countless times over the year I don’t need a ring or a big church wedding. I’m happy with a simple proposal and a courthouse wedding. But it doesn’t seem to matter what I want.

I’m actually starting to wonder if even being in this relationship is good for me. I know the person I am without my boyfriend is kind of the shell of the person I am with him but I don’t do anything without considering how it will affect us as a couple where he does anything he wants without thinking about us as a couple. I know myself well enough to know that I’m not the “falling in love type” and it was a mere matter of the right guy and the right time that got me where I am today. So I’m aware that the likelihood of it happing with another guy isn’t exactly hopeful. I know that most people out there are capable of convincing themselves that they are in love more than once but I’ve never been that way. Not to mention that despite the many men I’ve met before and since my boyfriend have never even began to live up to him or that I am so guarded about certain aspects of my life that I only trust two people in the world with them and only my boyfriend really understands the fullness of it.

Ok so at this point I am totally ranting and frustrated and I feel like I’ve watched an all day marathon of P.S. I love you. Sorry for the long post just thought I’d go to the place where I know I get support rather than the place where don’t know how to read and are incapable of considering that they don’t know everything.