Dealing With My Friend's Boyfriend.

So my really good friend has this boyfriend and they've been going out for exactly a year now. Fantastic! Look at you guys! You're in a wonderful mature relationship!
One problem.
The kid is a huge, immature, self centered, jerk. Ouch. Doesn't that suck?
I just don't know how to deal with him anymore. Here are just a couple of things he does that annoy the living hell out of me:
1. He totally disrespects me in public places and in my classes. In public if I just so happen to wear shorts that day or a skirt or even a v-neck or a tank he'll call me a slut. And not only is that bad enough but he'll say it as I'm walking down the street with him and his girlfriend. He'll just randomly yell "Charlotte, you are such a slut!" And I am not exaggerating when I say yell. I've had people turn and look me up and down on the street to see what he's talking about. I mean, really? I'm already insecure enough, why the hell would you say that? I haven't even had a single relationship at 18 so I don't even know where he's gotten this idea. Which leads me to my next point....
2. My love life. Okay, I'll admit, it's nonexistent, it's been nonexistent for 18 years. Do you NEED to rub it in my face and tell everyone about it? Here's what I mean:
Last week we were talking about the book "Children of Men" in my advanced lit class and we were talking about how the narrator said that everyone had lost their sex drive when they found out the entire human race was infertile. A lot of the kids were saying they think that sex drive wouldn't go down, and they all made strong and mature arguments. I decided to take a different view point and side with the narrator. I said, "Well, I think I get why sex drive would go down, I mean, sure I suppose sex is fun, or whatever but-" and then he yells in the middle of my sentence "Charlotte wouldn't know because she's never had sex before!" In front of my teacher. MY TEACHER. You know, that woman I respect that stands in front of the room and that I look up to? Yeah, in front of her. Now, we're an alternative school and we're very laid back so he didn't get in trouble and everyone just laughed, but I was just like, really? REALLY? You HAD to say that? This is a class of seniors, I thought we were more mature than this.
Also when I mention anything related to love or the like he says again "What would you know? You've never even gone out on a date!" Rude much? Very.
3. He spreads everyone's secrets around. My good friend told him that she interested in someone and then he told everyone in her class including the teachers. What... The... Heck. He does this a lot, and we even have to go out of our way to keep secrets from him. Holy crap, come on dude, we give you some trust, you need to treat it with respect.
4. He back sasses everything I say in class. I'm not over reacting because my teacher asked if it was bothering me. Listen, if I'm getting an A in english I know what the hell I'm talking about. I'm cool with hearing your opinions but do NOT interrupt and back sass me, do people do that to you when you have the floor? No, because...
5. He's a crybaby. The reason why no one, besides me, calls him out on his bull is because he'll get all hurt and offended even if he did something wrong and he'll literally whimper until his girlfriend/my best friend comes to comfort him and tell him he's right, we're wrong and he's just dandy.
6. So, I've been going through a lot of crap lately and been pretty down on myself. I have my first class with both of them and my friend sits on my right and then he sits next to her. Sometimes I come in the room and I'll be obviously upset, like everyone else will ask what's up (we're only 100 students totally across the four grades so we are very in-tuned with each other emotionally) but she just won't even notice because she's too busy petting this guy like he's a cat! And if she looks at anything else he instantly demands her attention again by drawing on her page of notes or nuzzling her shoulder. I've even tried entering the room and saying, "I've been really down lately and I need to talk to you." And then Ryan starts whining away. UGH. And then they kiss all the time in class, which they rarely get caught doing because my teacher is one of those guys who gets lost in what he's teaching because he loves it so much. And when he does call them out on it they do it again when he turns around.
7. We always have to do what he wants to do or he'll throw a tantrum like a three year old who somehow is also PMSing. Don't ask how he manages it because I am not about to find out.
8. He's rude to my friends and makes me look bad in front of people. I admit the second bit is partially my fault for my bad temper and I sometimes let it get the best of me but when I tell him to knock it off a couple of times I think I'm justified. As for the first part he runs hot and cold on them, only is nice when he needs something and he eats all of their food without asking and won't stop.

I just don't even know what to say at this point except that now I genuinely hate him. Six months of being his friend, four of just trying to make peace with that being the way he is and these last two months I just want to punch him in the face at the very first syllable of his name. Advice on how to deal? Please?
And thank you for braving this long rant and allowing me to rant. Feels good to get it all out! Happy

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15 replies since 18th May 2011 • Last reply 18th May 2011

Reply #1:

I've had the exact same problem as you. And I'm young so I might not give the best advise. But in the end, you'll outlast him. I know that sounds bad but friends are forever if you know what I mean. He's just there for a while and soon your friend will probably realize what a jerk he is.
I would say you need to get away from him. And if you want to spend time with your friend you should say you just want girl time and no boys. Don't try to make peace with him because he's insecure and thinks everyone is a threat to his relationship. Just try to cut him out of your life there is no dealing with people like this.
If he says stuff to you, ignore it. He's looking for a reaction and I think he gets one because you said you have a temper? He know he can piss you off easily so if you just ignore everything he says he'll lose out on the fun of it. In fact if I were you, I wouldn't even say anything to him besides the absolute necessity.
I know it's hard since it sounds like he's in your friend circle.
I read this and it's like identical to my life last year. Its like the guy my friend use to date went on to date your friend.
I can tell you what not to do if that helps.
How did my friend end up breaking up with him? She met someone else. You guys will go off to college or are at college? and she'll meet someone new. I hope this helped.

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Reply #2:

The more you dislike him, the more your friend will want to be with him, just to prove you wrong.

Just smile at him an awful lot and start doing things for yourself. Next time they start all the nuzzling and petting, just smile and tell them that you will give them some space and move to another seat so that you can concentrate on the work in hand.
Arrange to walk home another way, or leave school a little later, Ooops, I've left something in my locker, you two go on without me, I'll try and catch up.
Unfortunately, when a friend is in to a guy as much as your friend seems to be, she will ignore you just to be with him. Make the most of your other friends, spend some time away from her, and if she has to put up with his BS constantly, without outside distractions, she will soon see what an ass he is.
As Sarah says, you are her best friend, he is a jerk that she just happens to be 'in love' with.

Best of luck

xxxx

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Reply #3:

First off, there is nothing wrong in you not having had sex yet. Heck, you're only 18! My own little sister is 18 now and I do hope she's never had sex! Happy

Sex is something nice, but you need to feel ready for it. Yeah, I know this is something everybody says, but it is true. Believe me, when you'll be ready you'll know it. Don't let this guy get at you because of this.

I was bullied very bad back in middle school and I know exactly what it feels like. Snapping back is a good idea from time to time, but only if you have something really clever to say. Ignore him is your best choice. If he's backsassing you, ignore him. If the teacher asks you whether he bothers you, say: "Who?" Act like he isn't around. And above all, I know it's really difficult, don't let him get at you. This guy's a jerk. Full stop.

I think the best thing you could do is stopping to see your friend for a while. I know it might sound harsh, but sometimes is the only way out. Tell your friend straight - but calm - that you've had enough and that she can get back to you when she's got rid of him. Stress that it is all about him, and that you would be glad to be her friend when he's not around, but you can't stand him when he is. Tell her she deserves much better, and you hope she'll understand it soon.

Move away from them in class. You're 100 people - try to find somebody else to hang out with. If he's still annoying you, just tell him: "Boy, I've been here before you and I'll still be here when you're long gone."

I hate the nuzzling and everything too, so I know how you feel. Just try and act cool. Don't snap back at him. I mean, he's not worth it, is he? Think this, you're giving him a lot of importance, and that's what he wants. He craves attention and does everything he can to get it, good or bad. If he bothers you, use irony. People like him hate irony. Say stuff like "oh, I'm sorry, I keep forgetting that the sun revolves around you" or "how you're feeling today your majesty? I'm glad you decided to bless us with your presence". When he tantrums, treat him like a baby, saying stuff like "no, Ryan, I told you you can't have that piece of candy. Mummy's busy now." or "stop doing that or when we get home dad's going to spank you", or "sorry, I forgot the dummy home". When he whimpers, whimp back at him or treat him like a dog: "oooh poor thing, your little paw hurts?" or something else you would say to a dog. Try to ignore him as much as possible, and when it isn't address him like a kid or a pet. This will disqualify anything he tells you. If he embarasses you in front of the teacher, tell her something along the same lines, like "I'm sorry, I still didn't get him the distemper shot this month" or "I'm sorry, the vet said she was busy and I can't have him neutered before next week."

Let me know how it works Happy

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Reply #4:

This boy seems to crave for your undivided attention.
You should be honest with him. Tell him to stop acting like a douche. If he doesn't listen (he most probably won't) just ignore him. The next time he says something inappropriate, just avoid him. If he does it in public, walk away. Talk to him when he is ready to have a decent conversation with you.

And the above methods fail, the next time he calls you a slut just scream "Your mom!" xD

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Reply #5:

I would see your school administrator because the comments he is making to you in class is sexual harassment and frankly I'm disgusted that your teacher didn't send him straight down to the office for making that one comment out loud. No school should be so laid back that they tolerate bullying and harassment. Let your parents know about what's going on at school because they will be your biggest support and will rally behind you when they hear what this boy has been saying about you. You have the right to go to school without having to be sexually harassed by a bully.

Second of all, your friend is clearly absorbed in her relationship which happens to most girls when they get a new boyfriend. It's a sad fact that girls prefer the company of boys over girls. I’d recommend you not go out with her and her boyfriend anymore and instead go out with your other friends. You won’t have to deal with his immaturity and she’ll be left alone to see him for the kind of guy he really is.

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Reply #6:

Mary that just made me laugh. a lot :]

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Reply #7:

@Lisa, that's the whole point of it ^___^

Bullies are usually very insecure. They like to tease you, but when you tease them they crack up. Not meaning they laugh hehe Happy

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Reply #8:

Kick his arse... in any sense of the term.

A lot of guys in high school used to bother me constantly. One day, a guy had the nerve to slap me in the back of the head as I was walking out of the lunch room, so I turned around, kicked him as hard as I could in the knee (I was wearing platform boots that day!) and he fell to the ground and his friends had to drag him off around the corner before the principal figured out what happened.
No one ever got on my bad side after that.

But, violence isn't always the answer. Talk to him and talk to your friend, and if neither of them handle it well, just stop talking to them. Un-friend them, so to speak. People who constantly disrespect you should be treated with a cold shoulder until they genuinely want to be your friend again, and stop being some shouty d-bag.

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Reply #9:

@Mary Hilarious!! I try this sorta thing but some people just can't take irony... they think i'm being serious

@Monika .....Platform boots <3

When it comes to these kind of things I always end up being as childish as possible Happy I know I should just ignore it but sarcasm is so uplifting....

I got teased a lot for being a geek. Now I go out of my way on purpose to creep people out! Again, i'm kind of childish but thats just me Tongue

Good luck
x

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Reply #10:

Thanks guys, this has helped a lot. In fact it helped just having other people acknowledge that this guy is a totally jerk, most people in my school are like "Oh, but he's so funny and talented, ha ha ha!" Sure he has his moments, and he is talented as hell when it comes to art, but he's still a totally horrid in quite a few respects, which, in my opinion out weigh the rest. I just don't get why everyone thinks he's so perfect. *Sigh*
It seems like the best choice is to ignore him or shame him back from the sound of it. I'll have to keep a lot of you comebacks in mind because they're all pretty good and sound like they'll have an effect. Other than that any ways to keep myself ignoring him, because the count to ten thing doesn't really work for me.
@Kimmi: I can't believe I didn't think of moving my seat, it seems so obvious now! I just tried it out today and it helped a lot. ^^;
@Mary: Thank you! What's wrong with not want to have or having sex? Is it really such a crime? I'm not ashamed about it or anything but I don't want people in my business either, you know?
@PinkWeeds: She didn't because I promptly yelled "Shut he F*** up, a-hole." I think she figured that shut him up for long enough but she did slap his wrists a bit, so to speak.
@Monika: I wish I could kick him in the knee but unfortunately that will get me thrown out of school. Erk!
@Jenny: No, I totally get where you're coming from, ha ha.

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Reply #11:

@Charmander rib cage obviously their definition of funny must be incorrect ;)

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Reply #12:

Sex always looks like much of an issue, but it really is not, believe me. It's because it's, you know, "dangerous" and "forbidden" and everything. It can be entertaining, but it's not something I would fuss about. You're only 18, there's plenty of time for these things. Enjoy your age, and when you'll meet the right person the desire of having sex with him/her will come natural. Or should I say, making love? Because that's another thing - one thing is sex, the other is making love. The very words say it. If you really love someone, making love will make you feel like you were on top of the world, even if the guy is as clumsy and embarassed as you are.

And above all (I can never seem to stress this enough) making love is FUNNY. Sex is something serious, a business-like thing. When you make love to someone, 90% of the times something goes wrong - and it's *funny*. For example, a couple of days ago my BF was trying to put on a condom... he pulled it the wrong way and PTWANNGGG!!! it sprung away like a miniature rocket. We laughed our asses off. I mean, if you make love like it's a job, what's the fun of it? Happy

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Reply #13:

I think it's funny (as in "this is funny, because the dude is obviously a moron") that he calls you a slut and then teases you about your virginity. Next time he says something about either, call him out "Am I a slut, or a virgin? make up your mind!" (I didn't lose my virginity till I was almost 23, although I had opportunities to do so. I've also had a friend of a friend call me a slut, 30 minutes after meeting me. But it took my tearful reaction for my friend to see that this other friend wasn't really a friend worth having.)

It really just sounds like he's jealous of your friendship with his girlfriend. He's trying to make you look like some kind of loser, which just means that he's insecure.

I'd also try talking to your friend alone. Let her know that you like hanging out with her and you've tried to get along with her boyfriend, but you are tired of taking his verbal abuse, so could you spend some "no guys" time together. Or as my friends and I sometimes say "He gets dates with you all the time. I'm your best friend, and I'd like some 'dates' too." You're only asking that she give some of the special favor to you that she gives to her boyfriend.

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Reply #14:

weellll sounds like he wants your friends undivided attention to me and is trying to drive you away.and he sounds like he has a narcissistic personality.be a sweetheart and bake him some x-lax brownies call it a peace offering or since he likes to steal food take one to school and just place it on your tray ;)

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