i hate me

yeah i think i just need more...confidence. i mean, i need to be more active and all that, but i need more confidence as well.

confindence comes with age sometimes. and sometimes fake it to get it.

yes that´s right.. When I was younger I always was afraid that I´m not good enough..
Espacially the people in the school sometimes make you feel really bad..when you´re younger.
I think most people are mean to others because they are not confident with themselves too.
Now I´m older and I like the fact that I´m not perfect.
When I was younger I was really thin... people sometimes stare at me.
The guys always wanted to date me and the girls didn´t like me..
I think because they were jealous .
I was really unhappy and the people make me feel really sad because they always watched at me and were talking about me.
Now guys date me because they love my personality and I´m just normal.. The girls like me or don´t ..I don´t care about that anymore...

Sometimes it´s hard growing up..

But I have to say that you can work to be like you want to be.. Thin and all this stuff.
But you will have Problems this way too and the only way to be happy is to get happy from inside... That´s everything that matter´s ;)

I am a size 14, I love my chubby's...it just irritates me slightly when ppl who are smaller than me tell me that they are "fat" or wish they werent so "flabby"...I look at them thinking "gee if you are fat..then I must be a semi truck." =/

Enjoy what was given too you, your health and mind makes you beautiful.

I fight with myself on the inside, I don't know if I said this before but I actually don't have much of a problem with my body, I haven't really ever had a reeeeal problem with my outside, having a problem on the inside ruined how I saw my outside but it's never been in that way where I wouldn't eat or anything I just didn't like me at all but liked my little bubble at the same time. That sounds complicated...it is let's not talk about that time!! Now it would be nice to have smaller ears and nicer teeth though but I'm fine with myself really but on the inside, my head is just BLAH! every little thing I feel weird about, like worried and axnious or paranoid, part of me thinks 'yeh whatever' the other part is 'oh no why did this happen this is awful, i'm awful, I hate my life I might as well just kill myself' (DON'T WORRY, I wouldn't ever do that!)

My boyfriend did make me better I had got lots of confidence back anyway but I got loads more from him, but I'm striving to be happy and perfect in an emotional sense, but I don't think that will ever properly happen, first I have to start enjoying the present, but I'm getting there but I don't think I'll ever be 'normal' but what is 'normal'?

About the growing up thing...it doesn't really stop, you're only 13 once, you're only 43 once, no one tells you how to be at certain ages or what it's like you find out when you get there, but we can still help each other and ourselves along the way.

Well Jenna, your scar IS awesome! I love it. Its so unique and its like... well like you said. it gives you character. I think its really cool. And jazmin, I agree with... uh... everyone. lol. Your story is tragic, but I'm glad you have Andrew and Danielle. I really don't know whats worse. I've only been through one thing. Being obese, or being annorexic. I'm... well I suppose I'm normal. I used to be a size zero is PLUS size. So I was a fatty [I think of fat as a description, not an insult], but the smallest of the fatties. Yesterday, I went to buy some torrid clothes. Apparently, I'm to small for a zero now. So I'm to big for normal stores, but to small for plus size. I suppose that's GOOD that I've lost weight [?], but... where the heck do I go. Oh, and courtney, I've seen that funeral dress thing. It didn't look big AT ALL! If anything, I always though you ewre skinny. You've got a thin face from what I've seen in your icon's, and the dress looks proportional. Personally, I think bigger girls are cuter. Leyla rose, for instance. Poog [thats what I call tummy fat ] is comfy and fun. It jiggles. It can dance without me even moving. lol. Just think... If you were in africa, and thin, you'd be disgusting [at least, this one tribe I read about]. If you were large [AND IN CHARGE! lol] with strech marks, wide baby-birfy hips, and a fat face, You are the essence of beauty. Beauty, AS ALWAYS, Is only skin deep. I know [No really... I DO know. Not a comfort thing. I REALLY DO KNOW] how hard it is to overcome a body issue. I still haven't fully overcome mine. But it doesn't matter You have to think positive. You HAVE TO. That's the only thing that will keep you from a dangerous and overwhelming hatred of your body. You are creative, talented, interesting. Does it really matter if you are larger or not? Will being pretty help you pass biology [... well... if a teacher conforms to school laws]. Will being thin help you hold a deep and thoughtful conversation? Would you rather have a boyfriend who couldn't care about you in the least except to make out and/or do other sexual things, and think you are beautiful? Or a boyfriend who KNOW you are gorgeous because he's talked to you and sees that you are intersting and fun and creative? Personally, a hot guy who is stupid, is just... stupid. An ugly guy who I get to know and is funny and intersting and thoughtful. He is not ugly anylonger. idk... ranty rant goodness... all done. FEEL GOOD! I DEMAND IT!

it used to be awesome to be big and pale, it showed that you didn't toil in the feilds and had enough pelvis for a boy baby...just as sexist as now but still it shows how society makes us...women used to put BLEACH on them to make them paler!!! In roman times, slaves that were pale and bigger were worth more money

Thanks for the compliment! I call it poog too! Tee hee! And it's so true that fluffy girls are cuter than a lot of us skinny minnies! One of my best friends in high school was very fluffy, but she knew how to work those curves! It's what made her who she is, and she was the girl who got along with everyone! She got lead roles in the musicals, we were in showchoir together wearing this teeny spinny dresses, and she never missed a beat! It did upset me when she would come to the beach and wear shorts and a tee. I think she got a lot of grief from her parents from it, but all of her friends loved her for it! So because of her parents, she didn't have the confidence to go rocking those curves in a bathing suit, and that's sad.... but she's such an awesome person - and she's got good people around her who will help her overcome that.

AND! I'm a bellydancer.... which has nothing to do with anything except that most people PREFER larger dancers. They want to see all those curves moving about, and us little bitties just don't do it for them! So it's really sad that our culture puts so much emphasis on being skinny and that meaning ''perfect'' but it's nice to see that other cultures don't necessarily feel that way. So be proud of that fluff, ladies! DD

And yes, I would much rather have a decent looking nice guy than a hot stupid one. Trust me, I've been down that road. And another thing that's interesting - i like how you pointed out that once you get to know an ''ugly'' person... they aren't that way anymore? In a couple of cases... people's faces have changed for me. I know that sounds weird but I remember when i was younger, i met this woman who i did not consider attractive at all. Then I got to know her and she was so sweet and amazing that i now think of her as one of the cutest ladies ever! And it works in the reverse! An ex boyfriend i thought was gorgeous ended up doing these horrible things - cheating, getting into drugs, getting verbally abusive... and not only was i not emotionally connected to him anymore.... he actually started looking less physically appealing to me as well. Pretty interesting, huh?

I wanna get into belly dancing, if I was a rock star I would dance like that on stage! I need to go to a class, even if I can't get the courage to actually do a belly dancing gig at least it would be fun.

Yeah that's true Jenna. I remember several occasions when I would have a crush on this REALLY attractive guy, then when I found out he was an asshole I would think he was hideous. And all the "good looking" guys at my college were complete pricks so I never found them attractive. Whereas Tim, while fairly unassuming at first, is wonderful so he definately does it for me =)

Oh it's lots of fun! I started in the fourth grade after my grandma got me into it. She had joined a class that got to go dance in Egypt and Turkey, so when she came back with all these costumes and things, I was in!! It's actually supposed to be one of the hardest workouts there is, but it's so much fun! I'm looking into getting back into it - I don't want to just take a class, but I want to perform it onstage like I used to. One of the local colleges has a bellydance club, but you have to be a member of the school. Still, it really is amazing, and hopefully I'll find another group soon!!!! DDD Otherwise, well - there's always bellydance tapes!!!

That's funny Kitten - because that's how it is with my boyfriend - and it just so happens that his name is also Tim! HAha. that's kind of weird.... LOL ^.^ But it's like once you get to know the person, all the really awesome qualities you didn't notice before start popping out at you. Like my tim wears glasses, but he's got the most gorgeous eyes ever, and i finally talked him into getting contacts to show them off. He's got a very classical face too - and big full lips, which is rare but definately nice for a guy. Hmmm... maybe I'll post a picture. You should too! We'll have a Tim war!! haha!

My Tim wears glasses too! And he has beautiful blue eyes. But I have a thing about glasses so he keeps wearing them =P

Heh that's fun! I think with us, it's we like what we don't see often. I like tim in his contacts because he always wears his glasses, and he likes me in my glasses because i'm always wearing contacts. His eyes are green instead of blue - although i'm definately a sucker for blie eyes..... ^.^ But he has gold stars in his eyes... which has always been cool. LOL Let me find a picture for my next post... hmmmm

I actually prefer green eyes (probably because I have them)

This is a very old picture of my lover, before we started going out. He has a beard now: