i hate me

I've been chubby since I had heart surgery when I was 5. I have no idea why, but I was always scrawny until then. My kidney disease stunted my growth, so even if I weighed a normal weight for my age, my doctors told me it was too much for my height and that I should lose weight. I didn't care because I was freaking 8 years old, though. After I had to have a kidney transplant, the meds made me swell up like a balloon and made my appetite excessive. I gained 30 pounds the first year after my transplant, which officially made me obese. That combined with my scars from my numerous surgeries, my stomach looks like it has 4 sections, especially at the bottom where a bit of chub hangs out (a "fat apron.") My weight fluctuates from around 152 to 160 now, usually because I go through periods of disordered eating. Before Thanksgiving I threw up my food for a week. I threw up my Thanksgiving dinner, too. I knew that I couldn't continue doing that because it messes with my meds, though, so I stopped. My bf knows, and he watches me closely whenever I tell him that I threw up. I never let it become my life, but at least 4 times a year I get so disgusted with my body that I let it take over. I really do believe him when he says I'm beautiful, though. He makes me so happy about being me... it's just sometimes I wonder if I would be happier if I were thin. Maybe people would take me more seriously. They just think I'm cute... a cute, bouncy little weirdo. And maybe that's all I am. But I hate going to play my guitar somewhere, or going out in general and having people judge me. They think that I'm just some fat chick who looks younger than she is.

It always saddens me when I read peoples stories about their eating habits or self image. I just wish we didn't have to feel like this about ourselves.
My mam was anorexic as a teen and I have seen pics of her from then and it's pretty scary. My aunt was also anorexic. I hate my body too and feel it's completely disproportionate and abnormal.
I do not have an eating disorder, other than feeling extreme guilt after every morsel and wishing I had more control.

Like others my boyf is constantly telling me I am gorgeous and not bloated and too big, but in my mind he's just saying that so I'll shut up! I always find clothes don't fit me right and that reenforces my image of myself as odd shaped and abnormal

I hate eating. I despise it. I feel...worthless after eating. And to school, I always wear the ugly cardigan over my shirt, so if people call me fat, then I just say its the clothes.
My friends and family always say i'm pretty but i think theyre lying to get me to shut up....

When friends or family tell me i'm pretty, alot of the time i think of those really ugly kids that have parents telling them their pretty/handsome. It's like, i tellmyself thats different. I fight with my self alot. Frick i hate it. And sorry, Opposites-girl, don't mean to make you sad

We should have a Snippets additon focused on Eating Disorders, and how it's fine (edit : to be who you are). And have like the crafts we have for self-prettifing, like the masks and lip gloss makers. I think it would be cool.

I fight with myself too, and a lot of times i wonder how i ever got a boyf...

Jasmin, your story is inspirational, you are working to get over your illness. I just wish people didn't have to suffer that's all
It's good to tell your story, others see they are not alone and it will maybe inspire them to tell someone and seek help

court you got your bf because he sees the real you! and we do too, you are lovely

I notice boyfriends are the best things for getting better ;) Believe him, rememeber, he choose you out of all the other girls. And he's still with you, so love him, and beleive him

:] thanks

hes one of the worthwhile guys in my class X]

so there you go, you got the best guy. Remember, awesome people only hang out with awesome people. Cause losers just dont sit well with awesome people

X] no no they dont

thats right

I just want to say....you CAN wear a bikini and tight jeans...you just need to wear them with confidence...and you can't be THAT pudgy at all!...Did you know that a lot of girls that wear bikinis suck in because they are self concious....in addition...every woman will have a bump on their belly, unless they went through some type of surgery...it is very common for women to have fat on their bellies.

You are at a hard time in your life...a lot of girls tried to talk about me, because i LOOK thin...and when they found out what size jeans I wore, they thought I was lying. (I have wider hips than most girls) The point is...keep your head high..the only person who can tell you what to think about you is YOU!

in addition to KTs comment.

Did you know most starts get there insides washed out (ya you know, the but cleaning program) before they go for awards, or photo shoots. Ok, that is sooo unnatural. And women need to be a bit chunker, cause otherwise we can't keep babies We are the makers of life, lets show of our women fat