I'm about to throw my love life on you guys but i gotta vent somewhere...

Alright here goes nothing, usually i would go to like a blog spot or yahoo answers but since i'm paranoid i feel like the guy i'm "seeing" would find it if i were to post anywhere else but here. So with that being said...I met this guy from work, we had this instant connection and have been talking ever since then, i'm 18 & he is 22. One thing lead to another and now we're always hooking up but then of course like the emotional girl i am, i began having feelings for him, especially because when we're out in public he holds my hand, kisses me, and holds me constantly so it made me feel like he actually wanted to start something. The thing is i told myself a few days ago that i can't go out with him, because even though he may have all the qualities i've been looking for in a guy, he also has the ones i don't want. I'd rather us just kind of "see" eachother and hang out rather than to get committed, because i have no problem with committment but i feel like he would be a really bad boyfriend and i don't want to see this end or end anytime soon. But i feel like he's going to "officially" ask me out soon so it is going to suck to have to be straight up and honest with him but i am saving myself from heartache. Of course if we end up falling in love though, then there's nothing to really do about it.

So i'd like to just hear your guys thoughts and opinions on my decisions here and if you want me to list the qualities he has that i like/ don't like or the reasons why it'd be bad to date him, go ahead and ask away.

Thanks for taking your time to read this! Happy

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8 replies since 7th June 2012 • Last reply 7th June 2012

Reply #1:

You're never going to find anyone with so many good qualities that has 0 bad qualities. No one is perfect.
It never hurts to try something.

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Reply #2:

Well i know everyone has bad qualities, but these are the worst qualities anyone can have to me.

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Reply #3:

Ethics and principals are something I think are particularly important to share with a boyfriend/partner. Do you have similar ethics and outlook on life? If so, maybe you can overlook some of these bad qualities. If not maybe you are making the right decision.
I know these seems very simplistic but make sure you are thinking about the fundamentals of his personality and not just little habits that annoy you.

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Reply #4:

I agree with Libby. If he has qualities which are an issue to you, then maybe he is not the right guy for you. Everyone will have qualities which you don't like or agree with, but it is important to think about whether this will affect your relationship or not. Some things can be overlooked and won't be a problem but some can't.

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Reply #5:

Alright i'm just going to throw this out there i don't know how you guys feel about this but it bugs me, he's a porn addict. Since me and him aren't going out and just kind of seeing eachother, it doesn't really bug me, but if we were to go out i wouldn't tolerate it, because it seems very disrespectful to me and like he's cheating or he would easily cheat on me with someone else. Once again i don't know your outake on this and i know majority of the guys now a days watch it but there are still some that don't or some that stop because they have a girlriend and i know for a fact he wouldn't stop because he thought i was already his girlfriend and he continued doing it.

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Reply #6:

I don't really know what to suggest tbh, as this isn't something thats within the realms of my experience. I generally have a 'if I don't know about it, I can't disapprove of it', policy when it comes to porn. So to start with its quite good that he's candid about it with you.

I want to say that just because he's watching porn that doesn't mean he wants to cheat on you/or will cheat on you. Afterall you wouldn't be cheating if you read an erotic book or masterbated when you were in a relationship. Men are just generally more visual creatures than women.

Have you tried talking to him about it? Perhaps if you told him how you felt, he would stop. Maybe not demand that he stops, just say that you don't understand why he would need to watch porn when he's in a satifying (real-life) relationship with you and that you find it disrespectful. Hopefully he will respect your feels and stop. In the end however, you just have to think how much you like this guy and whether or not this is a deal breaker for you?

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Reply #7:

Personally, I'm an all or nothing kind of person... It hardly ever works to have a "date casually" thing for an extended period of time because someone always gets hurt (not necessarily scared for life but hurt all the same). Another con I've seen is that if a person wants to be with someone but doesn't want a relationship (without being a scum bag) they're usually using that person as a crutch to mask some other problem. So if you're not going to date this guy because his issues are too much of a problem I'd recommend walking away...

Getting to the issue, porn addiction can be a real problem... I completely understand why you'd have a problem with it. Most guys watch it and everyone has a right to their own private sexual preferences, activities, etc... The issue comes when it's something that becomes a compulsion, something they not just hide but lie about and would rather watch the fantasy then experience the reality. If he's not that over the edge then I think it's something he and you can work on if you both find it worth it, but if it's not the saying is totally true - you can't change a guy.. he has to want to change.

If the issue of commitment comes up be straight with him. Tell him how you feel and your concerns so you both are aware of what you're getting yourselves into or what you're choosing to walk away from.

hope that helps Happy

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Reply #8:

Here is the voice of the older generation, things haven't changed THAT much. First Red Flag, you work together. Not sure what you mean by "hook up" but if it means casual sex, yikes. I've realized a few things over the years. Guys want women who will do anything and if he is a porn addict as you say he will want much more. They do not usually want to date or have a relationship with these women. Being that he is only 22,( maybe just likes it a lot as it is with guys that age), true addiction is a serious illness and difficult to treat ( always cheating) Take a step back and really get to know him, you are only 18. don't get your head messed up. If he is a nice guy he will take is slow and learn to appreciate you. I wish there were forums like this when I was in the dating world, it would have saved me from a lot of heartbreak. Good luck to you, I hope you will be happy.

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